December 15 2008
American Misadventures
After enjoying a crisp Utah morning, and suffering a debauched country breakfast, we noticed Newman (not pictured) was missing.
We spotted him being carried off by shadowy figures in flowing robes.
“HAULT!” I shouted in my gruffest manor (pictured).
The Figure at the back of the pack turned around. His eyes exploded with flashing light. “Vostrum Nectus!” his demon voice encanted.
The world began to twist and the ground opened up. We were sucked in. (pictured)
Unfortunately we are now squashed into a quantum singularity. Tour over (not pictured)
…………………………
And alas, when we became a spacial anomaly, we thought it the end of our young lives, but in the Vortex we were much surprised and elated to find ourselves Alive.
However, upon acquainting ourselves with this Netherworld we were faced with a formidable wizard foe, the Evil Master Weissmanster,
who kidnapped our poor bassman, Noodles The Destroyer.
Our own valiant, Gabriel Vaughn Darling faced off with the evil wizard.
A strange turn of events occurred when our brave Gabe payed dearly by being turned into this guy, Henry, from the band, Hillstomp.
We miss Gabriel, and we applaud his selfless sacrifice in the name of justice and mega-bass lines to rescue Noodles The Eradicator. But shit happens, right. Maybe we’ll try to go on with Henry.
…Nah
Tour over (not pictured).
………………………
And so,
Upon our return to three dimensional space from the nether-region where we’d faced The Great Harried Wizard, Sir Robertus Pyciorus was hit suddenly by a newly discovered beauty in our friend, Noodles The Destroyer. Somehow the Vortex had changed him…
Bob came up with controversial and questionable suggestion of selling Newman into white slavery. Which while morally offensive proved to be quite lucrative.
But Robert, continuing his trend of poor judgment, blew all the cash on anabolic steroids and a frosted hairdo…
Which resulted in Roid Rage..
He calmed down when we revealed our new plan to abandon Rock n’ Roll to turn the band into a cooking show (with our new friend Linwood from Those Darlins).
And we had a lot of fun.
I commented on how LOVE must be the key ingredient because these eggs are so delicious. That’s when Bob revealed that our singer, Greg Jamie, was the key ingredient.
This tour may be over, but we all learned a valuable lesson…
o’death sucks.
